Those who are easily offended by curse words, please avert your eyes….
Because today, I want to talk about something called “fuck it mode”. It’s real, and it’s unfortunate. And it happens to me far too often. What is “fuck it mode”, you ask (or maybe you didn’t… but I’m going to tell you anyway)? WELL, it is basically when you get to the point in your day (for me, usually with food) when you just give up and say “fuck it” and do/eat/drink things you wouldn’t normally do/eat/drink. It can be set off by a variety of factors. Typically, it is set off when I’m frustrated about something or when I feel like I’ve worked hard enough at something and I’m just at the point where I don’t want to do it anymore.
Why am I ranting about this today?? You guessed it. It happened to me this weekend. As previously stated, I had a friend bail on me for a girls weekend this weekend, but I still had one of my friends from college make the trek to visit me. Girls weekend typically consists of LOTS of food and booze, and this weekend was no different. The one friend that still came to visit is a “foodie” and that made the focus even more on the weekend begin a Portland food tour. I was determined (at first) not to let it ruin all the progress I had made over the last month. After our booze-y Friday night, our Saturday morning started by taking the pups for a 20-30 minute walk, and then walking to a local coffee shop where I got a scone (certainly not “healthy”, but not the worst option) and a black coffee. I was ok with this start.
We then went home and got ready and took ourselves to the spa where we had foot soaks, head/neck/shoulder massages, and tea. Absolutely heavenly. And these are the types of things that I wish would be MORE focused on during girls weekend, and a little LESS about the food/alcohol. However, that was essentially the end of anything remotely healthy. We discussed our lunch options and landed on sushi. Sushi has the potential to be healthy, but my friend who was visiting had some favorite rolls she wanted to order, and unfortunately they were all deep fried. Now, it may sound like I’m blaming said friend for this order. NO. No. No. This is where I need to be able to just order what would make ME feel my best and let her order her own. Sharing isn’t necessary. And she really wouldn’t have been offended if I had done my own thing. Case closed. But I didn’t do that, and we ate all the fried things, walked around the Old Port, then went home to relax before our evening.
Now HERE is where “fuck it mode” started. I’m going to explain how it started, and it makes absolutely no sense, but it never does. So we were at home and we were watching tv and relaxing, since neither of us had gotten a lot of sleep the night before. My friend grabbed some snacks, and I participated (even though I was NOT hungry). We then opened some wine, which to me, was fine. It was around 4pm, so I thought of it as a sort of happy hour. Again, not beating myself up YET (except for not doing my own thing at lunch). Then we started talking about how my boyfriend (referred to in prior posts as “best buddy”) had lost 2 lbs over the last 7 months and how he was feeling a lot better. And my friend says the following:
“Isn’t it funny how he lost so much weight and you gained?”
Crushing. Absolutely crushing. I want to start out by saying I don’t think she meant this in an offensive way. I *think* and hope she said it because she was concerned about my previous weight loss and she was glad that I was back to “normal” (even though I’m uncomfortable with my current shape/weight, but she may not necessarily know that). Now, there are a few ways to respond to statements like this. On the outside, I chose to say nothing and move on. On the inside, I said nothing and then went into “fuck it” mode. My thought process was “why am I working so hard to be healthy if no one is noticing? Why do people focus so much on my weight? Screw it, I’m just gonna eat/drink whatever I want for the rest of the day because it doesn’t matter anyway.” It’s almost a rebellious attitude, but the issue is, the only person I’m “rebelling” against is myself. I shouldn’t be trying to be healthy for anyone but myself. I shouldn’t be doing it so smeone notices. It should be because it makes me feel my best. But that wasn’t my mentality today. So I went on to eat WAY too many snacks and drink WAY too much and then eat a LARGELY decadent dinner and go out for gelato to end the night. So I gave myself a free pass to eat/drink/do whatever I wanted… In my mind, I’m giving myself a “break” and “treating myself”, but really, it feels terrible. That’s not to say I shouldn’t have enjoyed some of that stuff. I definitely should have. It was a weekend for celebration. But in the end, all it did was leave me 5 pounds heavier (seriously… 5 pounds in 1 weekend), feeling VERY sick the next morning, and quite honestly, super sad.
The next day, I got it together a little bit more. We woke up and went to the same coffee shop where I got a breakfast sandwich (in retrospect, I should have suggested a new coffee shop that had healthier options… but I was a bit depressed and still coming out of my “fuck it mode”). Then when my friend left I went and did 2 hours of yoga, which always gets my mind back in the right place. I followed that up with a smoothie with added green veggies:
Shrimp, mashed cauliflower, and sautéed kale. I also split some leftover ice cream with my best buddy, and threw out the rest of the snacks that were leftover from girls weekend. My little side kick looked EXACTLY like I was feeling by the end of the weekend:
Overall, the visit with my friend was honestly really good and something I really needed. However, in retrospect, I need to remember what the purpose of these visits are (and this is true with ALL visitors or when I’m visiting friends/family). The purpose is to spend time together and catch up. The purpose is NOT to give yourself a free pass to do/eat/drink whatever you want, because even though it SOUNDS like you’re being gentle with yourself and “giving yourself a break”, you’re really just not being true to yourself. I also need to continue to work on not responding to emotions with food and/or alcohol. I could have easily said to her that her statement was hurtful OR still have chosen to ignore it, but not gone to food/alcohol for comfort. I still have a way to go before I feel better about my relationship with food, but here’s hoping that recognizing my issues is a part of that battle.
And to end on a positive note, I am now 28 days into my 30 day yoga challenge. Weight is just a number, and I am still strong and healthy enough to make it through this 30 days, which I am very, very grateful for.