Sunday slump

As I’ve previously mentioned, ive been in a slump for a while… About a year in fact. Maybe more. Over the last month or so, I have been *seemingly* coming out of it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have periodic low points. Today sort of felt like that, although luckily not for the entire day. I woke up feeling bad about myself because of drinking last night and not working out. Like really bad about myself. I tried to snap out of my mood by walking the pups and having a healthy breakfast: 


Ezekiel bread with banana and cinnamon and a scoop of almond butter. As always, black coffee and lots of water.

I was feeling slightly better when we went to Lowe’s… But then I  had to walk in front of approximately 1 million mirrors (fuck you, bathroom department and your mirrored medicine cabinets) give or take. And I hated LITERALLY everything I saw. My legs, in particular, were the source of my anger/embarrassment/sadness today. It started to make me in a terrible mood. Like really terrible. And i won’t pretend it didn’t last for a while. 

However the difference is, it didn’t keep me down all day. I remembered that those legs have carried me across the finish line of two marathons, through countless yoga classes, and allowed me to walk and bike around Quebec City last weekend. Their diameter, like the number on the scale, doesn’t define me. I can keep working on myself and it’s OK to have the goal to want to be healthier (even potentially lose weight) but I need to continue to love myself and my body in the process. Nothing good comes out of hate. Nothing. Even/especially self-hate. 

So this time, magically, I moved on. I went home and made the same salad I made yesterday. I went for a 4 mile run. And I met my sister for a healthy vegetarian dinner. And I’m going to go into my Monday feeling like this weekend was a win. Even if my eating wasn’t totally consistent and if I ate too much. I think that part will come. 

Anddddd that’s enough deep thoughts for a Sunday.

For completeness sake: dinner was brussel sprouts followed by vegan curry and brown rice and 2 glasses of red wine. My snack today was kombucha and 2 pretzels (seriously only 2!) during the Pats game. 

On to Monday. 

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Sleepy Saturdays

The only downside to dancing your ass off all night is the utter exhaustion the next day. I feel like in my early 20s I could have easily had 3 glasses of wine at a concert and not think twice about it the next day. But 30 is a different animal. And I. Am. Spent. 

Luckily I am on call today and not technically allowed to be away from home and my computer. So i am fully taking advantage of the time to lounge and regroup. I wanted to go for a run or to yoga, but my buddy reminded me that I haven’t had a day off yet this week, so Took a rest day.

My body woke up wanting eggs and toast this morning. So that’s what I had. With so. Much. Kale. And water. And black coffee. My hangover special :)


I had a banana as a snack. For lunch, I made a huuuuuge salad Witt lettuce, tomatoes, olives, mushroom, chickpeas, and a dill/yogurt dressing. It was prettier than it tasted, but it still made me feel good to eat tons of veggies and I was really full after: 


For dinner, I had significantly less control, since we were invited to a dinner party. That’s one thing that’s always a bit tough for me. Relinquishing control, especially when food is involved. But this is one area (probably the biggest area) I want to improve on, so this was a great opportunity to practice! And clearly i need more practice. I had chips and salsa before dinner (although not many, this time, so no regrets) kabobs and veggies and garlic bread for dinner (all worth it), a handful of starburst gummies for dessert (not worth it), and probably about a bottle of wine (egggh, maybe worth it, honestly). 

I’ll chalk this one up to a learning experience about what is ok to say “no” to in social situations, especially  when meeting new people. And now I’ll move on 😎

It’s a numbers game…

weight-scale-funny-pictures

Anyone else play these games with themselves? Subtract 2 pounds for clothes and 1 pound if shoes are involved. And did I drink a lot of water first? That’s DEFINITELY minus 1 pound. Plus, I’m PMSing… so that adds 3 right there. AND NOW I’VE HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT ;)

The reality is, my weight is up. I weighed 139 this morning, which is the highest I’ve been in a really long time. I do feel a bit discouraged, but really, it’s not all that surprising. I’ve been super active, but I haven’t been eating things that make me feel good (especially on the weekends, when it’s basically a free for all) and I’ve been drinking a lot more because, well, it’s summer. There was a time a few months ago when this number made me feel depressed, but now I’m trying to look at it for what it is. It’s the result of me giving myself basically a year off from overly restricting my diet or making food rules for myself (except for the vegan thing – but that was an animal cruelty issue, not a weight issue). Quite honestly, despite my weight gain, I’d like to continue that mentality. The only thing I’d like to really change is to make sure that if I’m eating, I’m actually hungry (or the “junk” that I’m eating is something that’s actually worth it – please see the amazing appetizer plate we made for ourselves in Quebec City last weekend:


WORTH. IT. Bag of Swedish fish on the drive home? Meh, a little less worth it.

The weekends are really where I need to be more mindful. Again, not restrict or try for perfection, but I’d just like to cruise into Monday morning not feeling sick S’s overly exhausted as a result of not takings a care of myself all weekend. We’ve already started being WAY more active on weekends, which is an improvement and is a major step toward improving my diet, because I typically eat better during the day when I’ve started it off with a workout since I’m feeling good. So, that’s basically the “plan” for this weekend – without having an actual plan. We’ll see how it goes!

As far as this beautiful (actually super foggy) Friday is concerned, my day started off with me being wide awake at 5am for no real reason. Since I was up, I decided to go for a run, however my usually relatively laid back dog let out 2 significant shrieks as I tried to leave the house this morning, so I decided she needed my attention more than my fat ass (kidding) needed the run, so I went back upstairs and grabbed her to take her for a ~2 mile walk instead. Honestly – worth it. It made me happy to see how tuckered out and smiley she was post-walk. I’ll still do my 75 minutes of yoga after work, and since I’m going to a concert tonight, I feel good that she got more exercise than usual. Come to think of it, she used to get 2-3 miles every day…. I may need to make that a priority.

ANYWAY, for food, I didn’t feel like eggs again, so I had another Rx bar and a banana for breakfast (with my usual black coffee and jug-o-water). Lunch was leftovers from the evening before (kale, chickpeas, delicata squash, and cauliflower) and I grabbed an apple and kombucha for a snack again.


For dinner – we did the best we could, which meant food trucks at the concert. Since it was a 6pm concert, we really didn’t have time for dinner before. Plus, it’s part of the whole experience. So I had some wine, and this veggie and hummus wrap:

 

And got to listen to some TRULY fantastic music with my buddy. We walked the two miles home (uphill) then rewarded ourselves with some popcorn and dried mango ;)

Trying to remember today that it’s progress, not perfection, and the scale only measures gravity… It doesn’t measure self-worth.

The Mood for Food

Sometimes… We all get in “a mood.” That mood when nothing feels like it’s going right, you don’t really want to try anymore, and it sounds like a better idea to face plant into a bucket of fried chicken (idk why that’s my example, I don’t even like fried chicken) than to go on with your day. That was yesterday evening and quite honestly most of this morning. Typically, I have some strategies to combat this mood:

1. Move. Walking, yoga, running, whatever. I did this last night (90 min of yoga) and this morning (walked the pups). Unfortunately yoga was less than relaxing and the pups were naughty.

2. Make/drink tea. I did this, too. It tasted like shit. 

3. Clean and make your space more “sacred” or whatever. Did this for well over an hour and realized I’d need a whole day for it to look decent, but at least the bathroom is slightly less gross.

4. Cook. I made meatballs last night. They were fine. Mostly overlooked and more work than they were worth. I don’t like meat that much. Meh.

5. Writing down all the things I’m grateful for and/or meditate. I did this too, and it was probably the only thing that helped.

6. Actually face plant into fried bucket of chicken (or ice cream or whatever). I feel like after trying ALL of the self care things you can possibly think of, if you’re still a miserable bitch, maybe you just need the damn fried chicken. 

So I didn’t necessarily go the face plant route, but I certainly felt like it after all of my usual strategies fail. Regardless, absolutely wasnt “perfect” today. I feel like the fact that by the end of the day I had taken 2 walks, did 75 minutes of yoga, and didn’t “face plant” is a complete win for today. And you know what? By the end of the day, my mood/funk had significantly improved. Maybe there’s something to indulging a little and moving on? Anyway, here’s what the day looked like:

Breakfast – lame and rushed because I walked the pups for longer than anticipated, but I will say, Rx bars are delicious. 


And yes, I got through that whole bottle of water and more by the end of the day. 

Lunch was leftovers from the previous evening but I skipped the noodles and did lots of extra kale with the meatballs this time. 

My snack was kombucha (which we lovingly call booch), an apple, and 1 dark chocolate square.


I really didn’t need this snack because I wasn’t hungry, but it made me happy. 

Dinner was amazing and I’m irritated that I didn’t get a picture bc it was the only pretty thing I ate today and also wasn’t eaten at a desk. It was roasted Delicata squash, cauliflower, chickpeas, and kale with a lemon tahini dressing. Seriously.  So good. My “mini face plant” was ~a glass and a half of wine and some dried mango while watching football, which now that I’m writing it out, doesn’t seem so bad. 


So, yeah. I’m gonna put today in the “win” column. 😀🍷

Oh hello, old friend

So I took 10 months off from blogging. Yep, that happened. I’ve thought a lot about if I would launch into a whole explanation about my last 10 months or not, but I think I’ll just say…. It wasn’t a priority. Because it wasn’t.

So fast forward 10 months. I’m 30 (old), I’m still chillin’ with my best buddy and our two pups, and I still do lots of yoga. I was a vegan for 7 of those months, but I’m back to eating some meat now. All that’s really changed is I feel a bit older, a bit heavier, a bit less energized, and a bit like I want to change that. So here we go!

I’m still sticking with the “no diet label” thing, which means I’m basically just going to eat what makes me feel good and work out in ways that make me feel good and see how that goes. Capiche? 

So today, that means starting my day with this beaut: 

Cantaloupe, Greek yogurt, almonds, coconut and a smidge of honey. I intended to have eggs this morning, but this just sounded better. Lunch was leftover kale/coconut stir fry from last night  (see my previous post. Seriously not much has changed from last year). 
I had a clementine for a midafternoon snack, went off to my favorite 90 minute hot yoga class, then came home to make meatballs, kale, and quinoa noodles for dinner. It doesn’t look that pretty but it was delicious:


The stuff on the top is nutritional yeast (in place of cheese) and the sauce is super chunky because I made it from scratch! 

Pretty standard and boring day… Which is probably why I had time to restart this blog ;) 

On the the next one!

Fail to plan and plan to fail…

OR wake up at 5am to meal prep… Let’s face it. Both options sucks. While I made a surprisingly delicious bread the previous day, I had forgotten completely about my lunch. SO, since I’m attempting to be healthy and attempting to save money, I chose option B this morning. But first, let’s rewind to the bread for a second. This bread is surprisingly delicious, you guys. And what’s weirder, is that it’s Paleo. In case you have never had the pleasure of meeting someone who does CrossFit and you haven’t heard of the Paleo diet, it is essentially only eating things that cavemen would eat. It typically eliminates grains (especially gluten), dairy, and legumes. So it’s mostly meat and vegetables. To make it sound slightly more appealing, the Paleo diet is based on the notion that for optimal health, modern humans should go back to eating real, whole unprocessed foods that are more healthful than harmful to our bodies.
   
That being said, I don’t label my “diet” any particular way, and I would certainly not identify myself as “Paleo” since I eat oatmeal, pasta from time to time, rice, and certainly dairy. BUT, this bread was/is good. It actually stemmed from the fact that I had a bunch of leftover nuts and seeds from a variety of previous recipes (granolas, salads, etc) and since I’m trying to keep the budget a little lower than usual this week, I wanted to find a way to repurpose these pantry items. So I literally googled “nut and seed bread” and the first page I came to was Deliciously Ella’s (who is a favorite of mine) and her Superfood Bread. Now I didn’t end up making this, because I didn’t have psyllium husk powder, and when I went to buy it, it was $12… and I only needed 3 tablespoons…. so there goes the budget. Instead, I ended up finding this recipe for Paleo Bread and adapted it to what I had on hand. for the 3 cups of nuts, I used pecans and almonds. For the 1.5 cups of seeds, I used pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. I also used 5 whole eggs (instead of the egg whites that were suggested) and a little less than 1/3 of a cup of olive oil. I chose to sweeten with 1.5 tablespoons of maple syrup, which in retrospect, may not have been necessary. So, after this little kitchen experiment, I was lucky enough to have an EXTREMELY filling toast on Monday morning, which looked like this:

  
Except I also put almond butter on it because…. almond butter. I spent $0 on my breakfast groceries this week and this will feed me for the entire week (until I go away on vacation). Of course if I had to buy all of these ingredients from scratch, it could be quite expensive. But it ended up being a great way to use up some leftover odds and ends. What I like about this recipe is that it’s adaptable. I could have put in some cinnamon. I could have used cashews or walnuts. I really could have done whatever I wanted with this recipe, and I still think it would have been delicious. This one was a keeper, for sure.

SO, I was super smug on Sunday after I made this bread and thought “HA! I just made my breakfasts for the entire week. Take THAT mornings!!” Except… I forgot about lunch. Rookie mistake. So I woke up early on Monday and made one of my favorite stir fries, which again I was lucky enough to have the majority of the ingredients for:

  
This is Cookie and Kate’s Spicy Kale and Coconut Stir Fry and instead of using regular rice, I used cauliflower rice (which was just 1/2 of a head of cauliflower pulsed in a food processor until it was a rice-like consistency). Her picture is much prettier than mine, check out her site.  Luckily, this is a relatively easy meal to throw together, but I always hate making full meals in the morning while I’m simulteanously trying to take care of the pups and make myself look moderately presentable. Oh well, you can’t win ’em all (I feel like I say this a lot lately… am I winning ANY of them?!).

So that was lunch, I had a banana as a snack. I did my usual 60 minutes of hot yoga, which was impressively difficult, and dinner was moose meat tacos at a friends house. I reeled it in and only had two tacos, but then I also had this:

  
Which I don’t regret at all, because it’s my favorite beer of all time. I do, however, slightly regret the other glass of wine and the post-taco trail mix (which was essentially mini-oreos, M&Ms, and Muddy Buddies… my friends wife made it for a snack for her post-30 mile run, but never ate it… so I gladly helped her finish it)

  

Parental Discretion Advised

Those who are easily offended by curse words, please avert your eyes….

Because today, I want to talk about something called “fuck it mode”. It’s real, and it’s unfortunate. And it happens to me far too often. What is “fuck it mode”, you ask (or maybe you didn’t… but I’m going to tell you anyway)? WELL, it is basically when you get to the point in your day (for me, usually with food) when you just give up and say “fuck it” and do/eat/drink things you wouldn’t normally do/eat/drink. It  can be set off by a variety of factors. Typically, it is set off when I’m frustrated about something or when I feel like I’ve worked hard enough at something and I’m just at the point where I don’t want to do it anymore.

Why am I ranting about this today?? You guessed it. It happened to me this weekend. As previously stated, I had a friend bail on me for a girls weekend this weekend, but I still had one of my friends from college make the trek to visit me. Girls weekend typically consists of LOTS of food and booze, and this weekend was no different. The one friend that still came to visit is a “foodie” and that made the focus even more on the weekend begin a Portland food tour. I was determined (at first) not to let it ruin all the progress I had made over the last month. After our booze-y Friday night, our Saturday morning started by taking the pups for a 20-30 minute walk, and then walking to a local coffee shop where I got a scone (certainly not “healthy”, but not the worst option) and a black coffee. I was ok with this start.

  
We then went home and got ready and took ourselves to the spa where we had foot soaks, head/neck/shoulder massages, and tea. Absolutely heavenly. And these are the types of things that I wish would be MORE focused on during girls weekend, and a little LESS about the food/alcohol. However, that was essentially the end of anything remotely healthy. We discussed our lunch options and landed on sushi. Sushi has the potential to be healthy, but my friend who was visiting had some favorite rolls she wanted to order, and unfortunately they were all deep fried. Now, it may sound like I’m blaming said friend for this order. NO. No. No. This is where I need to be able to just order what would make ME feel my best and let her order her own. Sharing isn’t necessary. And she really wouldn’t have been offended if I had done my own thing. Case closed. But I didn’t do that, and we ate all the fried things, walked around the Old Port, then went home to relax before our evening.

Now HERE is where “fuck it mode” started. I’m going to explain how it started, and it makes absolutely no sense, but it never does. So we were at home and we were watching tv and relaxing, since neither of us had gotten a lot of sleep the night before. My friend grabbed some snacks, and I participated (even though I was NOT hungry). We  then opened some wine, which to me, was fine. It was around 4pm, so I thought of it as a sort of happy hour. Again, not beating myself up YET (except for not doing my own thing at lunch). Then we started talking about how my boyfriend (referred to in prior posts as “best buddy”) had lost 2 lbs over the last 7 months and how he was feeling a lot better. And my friend says the following:

“Isn’t it funny how he lost so much weight and you gained?”

Crushing. Absolutely crushing. I want to start out by saying I don’t think she meant this in an offensive way. I *think* and hope she said it because she was concerned about my previous weight loss and she was glad that I was back to “normal” (even though I’m uncomfortable with my current shape/weight, but she may not necessarily know that). Now, there are a few ways to respond to statements like this. On the outside, I chose to say nothing and move on. On the inside, I said nothing and then went into “fuck it” mode. My thought process was “why am I working so hard to be healthy if no one is noticing? Why do people focus so much on my weight? Screw it, I’m just gonna eat/drink whatever I want for the rest of the day because it doesn’t matter anyway.” It’s almost a rebellious attitude, but the issue is, the only person I’m “rebelling” against is myself. I shouldn’t be trying to be healthy for anyone but myself. I shouldn’t be doing it so smeone notices. It should be because it makes me feel my best. But that wasn’t my mentality today. So I went on to eat WAY too many snacks and drink WAY too much and then eat a LARGELY decadent dinner and go out for gelato to end the night. So I gave myself a free pass to eat/drink/do whatever I wanted… In my mind, I’m giving myself a “break” and “treating myself”, but really, it feels terrible. That’s not to say I shouldn’t have enjoyed some of that stuff. I definitely should have. It was a weekend for celebration. But in the end, all it did was leave me 5 pounds heavier (seriously… 5 pounds in 1 weekend), feeling VERY sick the next morning, and quite honestly, super sad.

The next day, I got it together a little bit more. We woke up and went to the same coffee shop where I got a breakfast sandwich (in retrospect, I should have suggested a new coffee shop that had healthier options… but I was a bit depressed and still coming out of my “fuck it mode”). Then when my friend left I went and did 2 hours of yoga, which always gets my mind back in the right place. I followed that up with a smoothie with added green veggies:

  
Got lots of healthy groceries… 

  
and went home to meal prep for the week to avoid letting this become a bigger thing than it needed to.  I certainly wasn’t perfect on Sunday. We did have a drink with dinner (wine)

  
but dinner was this:

  
Shrimp, mashed cauliflower, and sautéed kale. I also split some leftover ice cream with my best buddy, and threw out the rest of the snacks that were leftover from girls weekend. My little side kick looked EXACTLY like I was feeling by the end of the weekend:

  
Overall, the visit with my friend was honestly really good and something I really needed. However, in retrospect, I need to remember what the purpose of these visits are (and this is true with ALL visitors or when I’m visiting friends/family). The purpose is to spend time together and catch up. The purpose is NOT to give yourself a free pass to do/eat/drink whatever you want, because even though it SOUNDS like you’re being gentle with yourself and “giving yourself a break”, you’re really just not being true to yourself. I also need to continue to work on not responding to emotions with food and/or alcohol. I could have easily said to her that her statement was hurtful OR still have chosen to ignore it, but not gone to food/alcohol for comfort. I still have a way to go before I feel better about my relationship with food, but here’s hoping that recognizing my issues is a part of that battle.

And to end on a positive note, I am now 28 days into my 30 day yoga challenge. Weight is just a number, and I am still strong and healthy enough to make it through this 30 days, which I am very, very grateful for.

  
And my life is pretty damn great. 

That’s the way the cookie crumbles…

Where to start… 

So last night, around 3:30am, I woke up to a text from one of my college friends who was supposed to visit this weekend saying she couldn’t come (in more words than that). To say I was disappointed is probably an understatement. We had been planning this weekend for months and I was shocked at the lack of respect for my planning. I still am, to be honest.

So I had a very active lesson in the age old saying that you can’t control other people’s actions, you can only control how you respond to them. My other friend was still on her way, I still had great stuff planned that we could do with two people. Life still isn’t all that bad, despite my disappointment. 

So, despite tossing and turning and getting very little sleep after that text, I got up and went to yoga at 6am, which significantly cleared my head. No longer feeling sorry for myself, I came home and had some yogurt, granola and a banana before starting my day. My friend arrived around noon and we had a great lunch at a nearby cafe:

  
I got a roasted vegetable salad with goat cheese and a chai tea latte. 

We wandered to the mall after that for some retail therapy then returned for some red wine, popcorn, and plantain chips. Ok LOTS of red wine. We meandered downtown for onnnnne more unnecessary drink before making our way to dinner at a fantastic Thai restaurant, which I regrettably didn’t get a picture of. We shared brussel sprouts and I got a stir fry with shrimp, crab, veggies, and rice. Andddd another drink (a John Daly with lemonade and Thai iced tea… I mean COME ON). By that point, I was toast, so after a long, unhealthy, but totally worth-it day, we made our way home for an early bedtime. And maybe a handful of chocolate covered almonds. Or three. 

Progress, not perfection, right?

I’ll toast to that

In case it wasn’t obvious in yesterday’s post, it was a tough day. After an early night last night, I was ready and raring to go this morning. It didn’t hurt that I had toast planned for breakfast. Anyone else get super excited for toast?? No? Just me?! Moving on….

I’ve got my best friends from college coming in to town tomorrow, so there is a definite light at the end of the tunnel. I’m busy prepping for them, so today’s post will be short. I will say that I greatly benefited from being gentle with myself at yoga yesterday. I didn’t push myself as hard as I normally would and I woke up without the extreme muscle soreness I had yesterday. 

The rest of my day looked like this:

Breakfast: Ezekiel toast and almond butter with a banana

Lunch: cabbage soup (without the noodles today) and an apple

Dinner: this delicious buffalo chicken “pasta” skillet (really made with spaghetti squash) served over a large helping of kale

  
Snacks: raw veggies and a few tablespoons of hummus

Exercise: a long lunchtime walk along the coast:

  
and 75 min of hot yoga, where I was able to push myself a bit more. 

Now on to scrambling to get my place ready for company!! That counts as a workout, right?!

Sleepless on Spring Street

Sleeping has never been my strong suit. I’m more on the side of: go go go go go for weeks then crash for an entire weekend. Sounds fun, eh? Not so much. So me waking up at 4:30 this morning isn’t all that surprising. I tossed and turned for a bit, convincing myself I could fall back asleep. Once I finally accepted the unlikelihood of this, I decided on some “me time”. I made a pot of coffee, grabbed an apple; and snuggled up on the couch with some self-indulgent trashy tv until it was time for work. Reminder: today is Wednesday. Wednesday workdays are not my favorite. 

I had breakfast mid-morning-

Breakfast: 1/2 cup of yogurt, 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup granola and a tablespoon of almond butter

  
Which kept me very full until lunch –

Lunch: leftover Chana Masala

I carried on with my work day, but seriously had the munchies. Mostly because I was stressed out of my damn mind at work. Luckily I remedy this with an apple instead of the entire pint of ice cream that is currently in my freezer. OK, a spoonful of almond butter may have made its way in there too.Edit

After work I went directly to yoga, which I completed half heartedly.

Truthfully, today was a tough one. My lack of sleep took a toll on me in the mid-afternoon. I shed some self-pity tears post-yoga, which was actually slightly therapeutic. Then I picked myself up and took my favorite pups for a relaxing walk, met friends out for a drink, and made my way home from some Shoyu Cabbage Soup that I had thrown together in the morning. It’s basically homemade, healthy ramen.

  
 Some days you focus on the small victories.